CONTROL: What Is It, Why Do We Seek It, and How Does It Affect Us?
Dec 09, 2025
Recently, I asked myself, "What am I currently fighting for in my life?" Upon reflection, I realized I was primarily fighting for control. This revelation prompted me to explore why we seek control and how it impacts us. I believe many others are fighting the same battle, so I've written this post to dive into the concept.
What Is Control?
Control is the power to influence or direct a situation, person, or outcome. Yet, we often battle for control over things that are entirely beyond our reach.
Why Do We Seek Control?
Don't we all love when things go exactly according to plan—achieving the results we think are essential for our happiness and well-being?
In my hockey career, for example, my mood depended heavily on performance. Scoring or assisting lifted a weight off my shoulders, reinforcing the illusion that I could control outcomes. This created an emotional roller coaster, often perceived by others as inconsistency.
We seek control because we've become attached to specific outcomes we believe we need. Common roots include:
- Fear of uncertainty
- Desire for predictability
- Need for security
- Perfectionism
- Past experiences of powerlessness
A constant need for control—especially over the uncontrollable—takes a toll on emotional well-being. It can lead to:
- Stress and anxiety
- Frustration and disappointment
- Strained relationships
- Reduced adaptability
- Missed opportunities for growth and learning
Distinguishing between what we can and cannot control is key. Focusing on controllables empowers us and protects our peace; obsessing over uncontrollables fuels the emotional roller coaster.
Examples of what we can control:
- Attitude
- Effort
- Preparation
- Planning
- Communication
- Results
- Whether plans unfold exactly as expected
- Others' actions
- Others' opinions of us
- External circumstances
- Practice mindfulness: Stay present and accept things as they are.
- Develop flexibility: Embrace change and adapt to new situations.
- Focus on influence: Concentrate on areas where you can make a difference.
- Practice self-compassion: Be kind to yourself when things don't go as planned.
- Cultivate trust and resilience: Build faith in your ability to handle whatever comes.
Recognizing the difference between controllables and uncontrollables is a vital step toward emotional balance and growth. By directing energy toward what we can influence and accepting what we cannot, we reduce stress and enhance well-being.
I'll leave you with a question to ponder:
How might you be fighting for control in your life? Is it over something controllable or uncontrollable? How can you shift your focus to what truly matters?
Best,
Kelsey
The Mental Edge